Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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