Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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