Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just pee around me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
