he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
pray to the hookup gods
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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