when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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