I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My ATM looks so different sober.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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