you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm so fucking centered right now
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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