her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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