You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
