i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
