I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
