so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
