Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
