the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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