I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
