dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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