Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
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I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
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Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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