i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
