my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
