she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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