lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
