I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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