it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
