Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
