Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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