and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
