The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
