she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
