remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My day in three words: secret purse cake
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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