I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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