i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
