Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
