i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
