U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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