I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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