I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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