i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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