my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
