The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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