Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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