I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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