Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
