If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
