im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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