No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
