i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
