I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Randomize
