I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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