I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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