Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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