If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The struggles of a small town man whore
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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