I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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