see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
