Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
