Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
