I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
