My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
