her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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