he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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