my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
