no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
they're like a gay fantastic four
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
