according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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