My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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